Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Noon,

May the Ramadan be karim to you and the Eid that comes at the end, auspicious for you and your family and mabrook for the Republic. 

We are pleased to announce a special package of relief for all the miskeen nations of the Ummah so that they can enjoy the barakah of the holy month side by side with the saliheen of the Kingdom. May Allah SWT continue to bless the Kingdom with the bounties of carbon and keep us safe from the efforts of the heretics to sow infamy and discord in the hearts of Princess Sahar and Princess Jawahar.  

Ya Akhi, 

Being Jalalatul Mulk is no bed of roses. One has to deal with the dangers lurking every where in the neighbourhood. We are worried by the violations of human rights by the heretic regime in Al-Shaam and are pleased that the caliphate has been established by brother Al-Baghdadi. We sincerely invite him to come and pay tribute to us in the Ummah capital of Al-Riyadh. Together we can deal with the fitna of heresy and kill the snakes in Tehran and Al-Damishq. We applaud the crucifixion in Halb of those eight who defied the rule of the caliphate and tried to engender discord in the Ummah. 

We are pleased to offer the state of the art facilities that the Kingdom enjoys in sectors of execution and incarceration. We are hopeful that Brother Al-Baghdadi will avail of these modern conveniences to spread happiness and good cheer in the Levant. 

We are continuously striving for the uplift of the Ummah. We have established a University for females, whilst ensuring that there will be no risk of them falling to the satanic temptations and where their ovaries will be fully protected from the depredations of the automobile industry. It is better to die in a fire whilst your virtue is safe, then to risk the flames of hell which are eternal and from which there is no escape. 

We are perturbed to see the displaced persons leaving the Emirate of Waziristan. We are concerned that the virtue of many of females may be compromised, if they are seen without hijab whilst drinking polio drops at the registration points. We are therefore dispatching a shipment of Abayas, personally inspected by the Imam of Kaaba and found to be compliant with the standards of the noble Sharia and with the highest UV protection factor carbon money can buy. 

Dear brother in Islam,

We are pleased that your relations with Brother Raheel are improving and it is heartening to see you sharing status updates on your TLs once again. Jazakallah. I think this may be an opportune moment to send our royal aircraft to Qaidatul Chaklala. The Qanatul Ardh in the Republic is doing nothing but spreading Fasad fil Ardh. We hope that Brother Hamid Al-Mir will soon recover from his stomach wounds and his notions of democracy and enter, once again, into the fold of Islam after kissing and making up with Brother Zahirul Islam.

Inshallah.