Transcultural Dialogues 

By: Hakim Hazik 

Minister of Science: Do you know much about culture, Minister Ji? 

Minister of Culture: Not a lot more than you know about science. But I can pronounce ‘r’, which is a great deal more than Jahangir Badar can do. It is also the greatest cultural achievement in the history of Bhati Gate, since Allama Iqbal wrote the national anthem. This has not escaped the notice of Mian Sahib.  

Minister of S: I have asked the Master Sahib, who gives tuition to the children to teach me a bit of science. He is taking classes on the theory of relativity by Professor Naek. It seems everything is relative, especially in the Capital City. When you are in Pakkhi Mor, travelling on an ox cart, at 3 miles an hour, time is what it seems, so 30 days is 30 days. When you embark on an inter-galactic voyage, down the Constitution Avenue, in armour plated, Mercedes S class with the speed of light, time stands still, and 30 days can last till eternity. This is most amazing. Professor Sahib is very very clever.  

Minister of C: I have told Mian Sahib that our culture has been contaminated by infidel influences. There is idolatry and graven images on the rocks, in the museums, in art galleries and in the newspapers. They must be destroyed and replaced with Islamic calligraphy. I have asked Mullah Zaeef to come back from Jalalabad to be my special adviser. He is bringing his Bamian team with him. We will cleanse our culture of the decadent western poisons. Singing and dancing is OK in Tibbi area, but it cannot be allowed to corrupt the whole society. We do not need women running marathons or riding motorbikes. We need them to learn cooking and embroidery. 

Minister of S: Minister Ji, I have written this little speech to give to my ministry, will you please have a look at it?

‘My dear brothers, if we want Pakistan to move forward into the 15^th century and take it’s rightful place in the committee of nations, we must progress in the discipluns of science and technology. We should develop the fields of Astrology, Alchemy, Home Economics and Physiotherapy. We should follow in the footsteps of our illustrious ancestors, such as Boo Ali Sainapati, Pirthivi Raj Chauhan, Jaber Bin Heran, Usama Bin Ladeen, and Professor Abdus Salam. We should be proud that Prof. Salam won the Noble prize in Physiotherapy. This was because he stole secrets to develop our atomic bum, from a bum factory in Trieste in Holland. The agents of foreign powers pursued him, but he landed safely in Bunny Gala, where Bunny Israel cannot reach him. That is why, in his honour we call our Capital City, Salamabad’. What do you think? 

Minister of C: It sounds good. I am afraid, I can only make angry speeches, as my Kababia in Mochi Gate makes his Kababs, from green chilli and gunpowder in equal measure. He is endangering public peace, by creating turmoil in the society and causing a constitutional crisis. On the other hand I am going to make Boota Chanay Wala, the director of the Academy of Letters. His services for art and literature should be recognised. He has performed a great service to humanity by providing nourishment to cultural elites like myself.  In future, his cannabis-flavoured chanay will be served on all state occasions.  

Minister of S: Can I have some for my ministry as well please? 

Minister of C: Yes Minister Ji.