Justice Denied

By: Hakim Hazik

The court has with patience and with a generosity of spirit examined the presentation of the learned defense counsel Aitzaz Ahsan ASC and has been unimpressed with his bizarre antics. This is a far cry from the time when he was the doyen of the movement for the rule of law in this country. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Durand Line divides the great land mass of Fak-Ap and the bottom of Maulana Fazlur Rehman into two parts. This does not mean that one part has primacy over the other. The local people are aware of it and travel freely across it to see their kith and kin. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

This court finds you Yusuf Raza Gilani s/o Syed Alamdar Husain Gilani, guilty of willful flouting of our orders and of contempt of this court.

We have tried our best to improve your letter writing skills. We have employed the best tutor in the land, the most famous and able grammarian after Panini, Professor Ahmed Shuja Pasha, to give you private tuition in letter writing and composition, but you have willfully not availed of this opportunity. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

In the end, justice and the true message has prevailed. Faryal Bibi was allowed to go with her lawfully wedded husband. There is no doubt that she had embraced the true message of her own volition and after careful consideration of its beauty and simplicity, in the two hours that she was taken from her home and driven hell for leather to the dargah sharif, to be married to the pious bridegroom chosen for her by the Pir Sahib. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Never has the Ummah been at such cross roads. A bunch of terrorists led by the notorious Farzana Bari invaded the parliament and spoke to the Maulana with insolence in their eyes and venom in their voice. Maulana, to his credit, exhibited extreme self-control and did apply any physical reprimand which is allowed to him under our sacred law and custom. More...

 By: Hakim Hazik

At last the enemies of Islam have put a bounty on my head. As all the faithful know, it is a very level head. It is a treasure house of all the holy names that will come tumbling out if I undertake the Sufi practice of waterboarding in the famous Cuban khanqah, with the help of my acolytes and disciples from the dargah Langley Sharif.

Tears well up in my eyes when I think of Shaheed Abudllah Azzam. He would be very proud if he knew that Allah SWT has granted us this honour. Alas, he did not live to see this day and fell a martyr to the bomb of Shaheed OBL. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Michelin Tyres for Better Burning:

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FREE: For every buyer: 2 American flags, pretreated with special formula for efficient burning. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

This joint session of parliament resolves that the national sovereignty is supreme.

We are very grateful for the painstaking research undertaken by Professor Mad Hamid, the world renowned scholar of economics and the doyen of economics publications such as The Economist, the Far Eastern Economic Review and the Mad Magazine. He has quite clearly shown that the US owes us ninety billion dollars. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

At long last, we have the man who will be laughing all the way to Stockholm. An unbeatable contender who will trounce Edhi to win the Nobel prize. As accolades pour in from across the world, it is important to emphasize that this stalwart did not act alone but led a crack team of professionals with razor sharp minds and sharp razors in their pockets which they used to good advantage to cut any political throats on offer.  More...

By: Hakim Hazik

The worthy scion of Osmanli, the unrivaled Caliph of the faithful of the east and the west, the pillar of faith, the sword of Islam and the mole of the Ummah, General Ahmed Shuja Pasha has decided to take a retirement after a lifetime of serving the nation. He will undertake a journey to the Holy Land of District Khushab, to spend his days in reflection and contemplation of the power of the Almighty Nuclear Chain Reaction.  More...

The Quaid Ispeaks

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear daughters af the Mutahidda nation, rejoice. Yours was the biggest jalsa in the history of Jinnahpur. It has been certified by the Guiness Book of World Records and the London Metropolitan Police who have confirmed the size of the jalsa and the innocence of your birruther. It was the only feature in the bilessed Port City which could be seen from the outer ispace, ipart from the Defense Housing Society and the Amreekan Embassy. My eyes are wet, as I listen to the inspiring songs of Shazia Khushk. More...

Extraordinary Rendtion

By: Hakim Hazik

In the name of Allah, SWT, who created the universe which extends all the way to the Amu Darya. Blessed be His name who created the the Afghan jihad, Pak Arab Fertilizer Factory, Wifaq ul Madaris (Arabiyya) and Soft Stretegic Depth. 

Our blessing and salutations to Sipah Salar e Ummat, Field Marshal, Shadow of God, Avatar Pervez Kayani and Jasoos e Millat, Shadow of the Shadow, General Pasha the Lion Heart. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

My Lords,

On the behalf of the Sipah Salar, Field Marshal Avatar Pervez and the leader of the Maimanah, General Braveheart, I submit that the detention was legal under the Army Act 1952, section 2 sub clause 1 (d). More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

Lau ji take that, Tzasab is going to the Sapreem Coat, and nat yours tarooly, the highly qualified liar and moreover the Secty Journal af the patty. Haooever, Shriek Chairman says this is a good idea. He has asked me to write to Tzasab and reinstate him into the Central Zective Kmaitee. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

A male never grows old. Dejection is a sin. Have you heard of the dead man rising in Muradabad? Rohu fish allows you to overcome the deficiency of calcium and improves your carnal powers. If only you take the vitamins that I take from Efroze Pharma, you will always stay young and continue to marry highly desirable women separated from highly undesirable men and continue to perform your conjugal duties to the highest standards. More...

Who says I am afraid? Pakistan is a peaceful country where nobody has ever been harmed for their political views. Everyone in Islamabad lives in peace and harmony, except black goats, Chinese massage women and journalists led astray by petty notions of free speech. World renowned figures have made its relaxing holiday retreats such as Abbott Abad their second homes. International celebrities come and go with complete freedom, especially Navy Seals in Stealth Helicopters. More...

31 Laxmi Mansion
Hall Road 
Lahore

Dear Uncle Ash,

I would not normally bother you at this critical juncture in our nations’s history. As you know, I would normally write to Uncle Sam whenever I run out of locally distilled whisky. I have heard that you are not talking to Uncle Sam any more. This has caused me tremendous anxiety so that I am worried that the essentials of life that are the last hope of  poor devout muslims like me will not arrive in time. I, like all the patriotic Pakistanis who ride a rented Sohrab bicycle, am quite attached to the idea of having gleaming new squadrons of F16s, so that we can destroy our enemies who cast their evil eyes on our determined nation. More...

خداوند عز و جل ما را اندر زمانه  پدید آورده است که اهل آن هوا را شریعت نام کرده اند و طلب جاه و ریاست و تکبر را عز و علم و ریا خلق را خشیت و نهان داشتن کینه را اندر دل حلم و مجادله را مناظره و مجازیت و سفاهت را عفت و نفاق را زهد و تمنا را ارادت و هزیان طبع را معرفت و حرکات دل و حدیث نفس را محبت و الحاد را فقر و حجود را صفوت و زندقه را فنا و ترک شریعت پیغامبر را طریقت و آفت اهل زمانه را معاملت نام کرده اند تا ارباب معانی اندر میان ایشان مهجور گشته اند و ایشان غلبه گرفتند.

More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

State vs. Lamb Husain alias Ram Parkash. 

The court reminds you that you are under oath tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The petitioner Wolf Uddin has submitted to this full bench that you have conspired and collaborated with a foreign power to bring the armed forces of this great pasture into disrepute. You have conspired to attack their morale and tried to disturb the peace of the forest. More...