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The Dior Abaya

 

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

In the name of Allah, the most beneficent, the most merciful.

 

Blessings and salutations on the Prophet

 

Dear Brother Abdullah,

 

Your brother has escaped by the skin of his God fearing teeth. The judge has given his brief verdict and not named Yours Truly for receiving the blessed Kingdom rials whereas he has castigated the crooks who were trying to distribute the tainted foreign money to distort the democratic exercise in the Republic. May God protect the Ummah from such evil men and foil their nasty schemes, ameen. May God protect the judge and prolong his tenure till the Day of Judgement, when the detailed judgement will be read out. More...

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Messiah M. Chaudhry

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

After much deliberation and much looking over one’s shoulder, one has come to the conclusion that the accused General Wind Beg and General Now-In-Armani are guilty as charged. So is the late Slave King and all those usurpers who are dead or retired. More...

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Bani Gala and Bani Israel

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

We condemn the attack on Malala. In this condemnation, we should not forget Aafia Siddiqi. She is the true daughter of Islam. She should be freed from the infidel Sing Sing prison. Aasia Bibi should stay in custody. She should not be freed from the bastion of faith, the font of all blessings, the Adyala prison. The injured and the infirm should go to Birmingham, UK or Buffalo, New York. The able bodied should go to Helmand and beat the infamy and licentiousness out of the infidel soldiers attacking the Dar ul Islam. More...

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Time, Tide and Little Girls

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

Why do you keep asking me? I have told you a thousand times. This war is not our war. We are killing our own people just because the Americans have given us a few shekel. In our land our own people are sovereign. More...

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Your Brother and Big Brother

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

 

All lies. White lies. Your brather knows every vein in their body. I have not bleached these hairs in sunlight. Thereafter, I have not died these hairs with Kala Kola. Those who are suppredding rumours are an the payroll of the same peepal who took your brather to Kot Lakhpat and to the Shahi Qila. Naoo they are holding paress canferences and making satatements, as if the Nurpur butter won’t melt in their mouth. More...

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Jizya by Direct Debit

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Congratulations to the Ummah. We have found the answer to the blasphemy and insolence of the dying and decadent West. Haji Ghulam Ahmed Bilour has announced a bounty on the head of the accursed film maker. It is only a matter of time before a spirited individual will show the world the stuff that the Ummah is made of. This will not only preserve our honour as an Ummah, but also will safeguard the cinemas of belonging to Haji Sahib. As our readers will know, some irresponsible elements wanted to burn these repositories of high Islamic art to the ground. More...

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The Last Tango in Islamabad

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

We are ready. All the preparations are complete. The road blocks are in place. The Red Zone has been sealed, so that even Brother Haqqani cannot get in; not even in an ISI car. The water cannon and the tear gas will be used judiciously, before live bullets are fired. The containers will eventually give way, in accordance with the carefully written script. More...

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The National Tragedy

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

It was a historic day that ended in tragedy; a tragedy that has not failed to touch all of us, regardless of class and status. The President has cancelled his tour to his French chateau via Burj Dubai and the Mian Sahib, acting swiftly, has postponed the project of buying free iPhones for foreign correspondents. The Field Marshal is has given the batman the evening off and is stretched on his camp bed, fully clothed, staring at the ceiling and thinking how things came to such a pass that he has to rehire his retired generals to protect them from the grubby paws of the bloody civilians.  More...

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The Islamic Banana

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The Republic is in safe hands; in the safe hands of the wily President Coyote. He expertly steered the ship of the nation through various shoals and bluffs which would have fooled a lesser sea captain. Many a stalwart have fallen having redeemed the tradition of chivalry in these times of deceit and chicanery. More...

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The Objectives Resolution 2012

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Whereas it is unclear how the universe began, or whether there is an over arching mechanism of oversight, the sovereignty in this Land of Pakistan belongs to its people alone. More...

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